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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2021 3:54:33 GMT
Share your puns here
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2021 3:54:50 GMT
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2021 3:55:02 GMT
Someone stole my mood ring yesterday. I still don’t know how I feel about that.
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Post by talkingheads on Jul 21, 2021 6:02:50 GMT
Who's the gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants? Wedgie Kray.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2021 6:05:46 GMT
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.
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1,127 posts
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Post by samuelwhiskers on Jul 21, 2021 9:35:42 GMT
How does a cheese cross the road?
Caerphilly.
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2,340 posts
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Post by theglenbucklaird on Jul 21, 2021 9:44:27 GMT
“I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said: ‘It depends where you’re calling from.'”
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409 posts
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Post by maggiem on Jul 21, 2021 10:12:22 GMT
There was a nice piece of roast fowl on a plate cooling by the kitchen window ... until the fearsome feline from next-door decided to filch it for his dinner.
That's right, he was a duck-filled catty-puss!
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1,061 posts
Member is Online
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Post by David J on Jul 21, 2021 10:20:29 GMT
Two flies were playing football in a saucer.
One says "practice"
The other says "why?"
"Because next week we're in the cup"
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Post by FairyGodmother on Jul 21, 2021 10:54:13 GMT
A missionary had been in the jungle and had converted a group of snakes to Christianity. The next time he was passing that way, he saw that they were all busy chopping down trees. He asked the chief of the snakes what they were up to. "Well," the chief replied, "You told us to go forth and multiply, but we're adders, so we're making log tables."
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2021 11:08:33 GMT
I have the memory of an elephant.
I remember this one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.
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513 posts
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Post by Deal J on Jul 21, 2021 11:44:18 GMT
Why did The Queen cross the road?
To get to The Other Palace
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513 posts
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Post by Deal J on Jul 21, 2021 19:11:37 GMT
Why doesn’t Javert get invited to parties? : : :  : : : Because he’s known for going spectacularly off the rails |
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5,062 posts
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Post by Phantom of London on Jul 21, 2021 19:22:36 GMT
I am currently suffering a bad speel of diarrhoea.
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5,062 posts
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Post by Phantom of London on Jul 21, 2021 19:23:51 GMT
My to do list.
1. Be lazy.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2021 20:11:29 GMT
(Long joke time)
So there's this guy, lives out in the middle of nowhere in Alaska, mostly off the land. Prefers not to interact with people. But once a year in the summer he treks into town to buy stuff he can't make himself. One year he notices this guy with a wagon with a sign bearing the slogan "Problems Fixed", with a fair bit of traffic. He watches closely and sees that the products are all sorts of strange and varied knickknacks, ranging from tools to medicines. On even closer inspection he overhears that a lot of these are repeat customers. So, he gets in line and waits to talk to the wagonkeep. As he's nearing the head of the line he observes that the pattern of transaction goes as follows: The customer describes a problem they can't solve, and the merchant sells them a solution. When he gets to the head of the line he says to the merchant "Sometimes there's a bad winter or a dry summer, and I can't find anything to eat". The wagonkeep pokes around a bit and finds a little glass bottle and says "Drip one drop of this in front of your fireplace, and you'll get something to eat. Fifty dollars." He nearly comes unglued at the price, but he's got it, so he goes ahead and buys the bottle. That winter's bad. Real bad, and he can't find anything to shoot or trap, and no fish in the river, and no bark left he's willing to eat. So he decides "Better see what I paid for" and gets the glass bottle. He unstoppers it and lets a sticky green drop fall. And, where it fell, there's a weird looking fish with both eyes on the same side of its head. It doesn't look like anything he's ever caught, but he's hungry enough that it looks good to eat so he fries it up as best he can and eats it. It's pretty good. Next day, he's lucky enough to come across a hibernating bear, and he lives pretty well for a while. Summer's pretty dry. Gets dryer. Once the grasshoppers have got too well trained to the situation to catch, and every trap is empty, and the heat is setting off his powder, he heads inside and gets out the bottle. "Hope it's something else this time." Same weird-looking fish, though. Tastes about the same. Later that summer, he heads into town to trade again. Now he knows where to look it's not hard to find the wagon. When he gets to the head of the line this time he says to the merchant "I ain't really got no problems left, but what's with the fish?" The merchant replies, "Well, absinthe makes the hearth grow flounder". |
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2,340 posts
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Post by theglenbucklaird on Jul 21, 2021 20:43:09 GMT
(Long joke time)
So there's this guy, lives out in the middle of nowhere in Alaska, mostly off the land. Prefers not to interact with people. But once a year in the summer he treks into town to buy stuff he can't make himself. One year he notices this guy with a wagon with a sign bearing the slogan "Problems Fixed", with a fair bit of traffic. He watches closely and sees that the products are all sorts of strange and varied knickknacks, ranging from tools to medicines. On even closer inspection he overhears that a lot of these are repeat customers. So, he gets in line and waits to talk to the wagonkeep. As he's nearing the head of the line he observes that the pattern of transaction goes as follows: The customer describes a problem they can't solve, and the merchant sells them a solution. When he gets to the head of the line he says to the merchant "Sometimes there's a bad winter or a dry summer, and I can't find anything to eat". The wagonkeep pokes around a bit and finds a little glass bottle and says "Drip one drop of this in front of your fireplace, and you'll get something to eat. Fifty dollars." He nearly comes unglued at the price, but he's got it, so he goes ahead and buys the bottle. That winter's bad. Real bad, and he can't find anything to shoot or trap, and no fish in the river, and no bark left he's willing to eat. So he decides "Better see what I paid for" and gets the glass bottle. He unstoppers it and lets a sticky green drop fall. And, where it fell, there's a weird looking fish with both eyes on the same side of its head. It doesn't look like anything he's ever caught, but he's hungry enough that it looks good to eat so he fries it up as best he can and eats it. It's pretty good. Next day, he's lucky enough to come across a hibernating bear, and he lives pretty well for a while. Summer's pretty dry. Gets dryer. Once the grasshoppers have got too well trained to the situation to catch, and every trap is empty, and the heat is setting off his powder, he heads inside and gets out the bottle. "Hope it's something else this time." Same weird-looking fish, though. Tastes about the same. Later that summer, he heads into town to trade again. Now he knows where to look it's not hard to find the wagon. When he gets to the head of the line this time he says to the merchant "I ain't really got no problems left, but what's with the fish?" The merchant replies, "Well, absinthe makes the hearth grow flounder". INRAT |
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Post by talkingheads on Jul 21, 2021 22:38:40 GMT
Are these knickers satin?
No, they're new.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 5, 2021 7:53:52 GMT
I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
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Post by vickyg on Aug 5, 2021 8:04:39 GMT
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
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879 posts
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Post by daisy24601 on Aug 7, 2021 11:17:03 GMT
You should always give 100% in whatever you do. Apart from donating blood.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2021 0:37:38 GMT
You should always give 100% in whatever you do. Apart from donating blood. wow |
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5,062 posts
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Post by Phantom of London on Aug 8, 2021 1:33:22 GMT
Isn’t nice to see pictures in today’s papers of Ant McPartlin’s wedding to Declan Donnelly.
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513 posts
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Post by Deal J on Mar 8, 2022 17:04:13 GMT
I met my boyfriend at a West Side Story fight recreation society… We just clicked. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2022 18:41:52 GMT
The Queen was travelling along in an open carriage at Royal Ascot a few years ago and one of the horses let rip a noisy and very smelly fart. "Goodness Me" HM exclaimed. "It's alright your majesty if you hadn't admitted to it, I'd have assumed it was one of the horses" the coach driver replied.
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