336 posts
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Post by Roxie on Mar 29, 2023 13:14:22 GMT
Hi everyone.
I havent posted on here for aaaages so I thought I'd jump back in and start my own thread.
So my life, took a terrible turn 2 months ago in late Jan. As you may or may not know, I live with my parents and one sat morning, Dad woke me saying he couldnt wake Mum and we found she had passed in the night.
Obviously, since then, things have been AWFUL to say the least and I am trying my best to keep everything going and to look after my Dad while battling with my brother. We've never got on and things have got worse than ever lately.
I guess in short, I wanted to update you guys, my theatre friends and I suppose also ask some advice. It's always easier to talk to people you don't really know. Does it ever get easier? Will I ever stop missing her every second of every day? It's bloody rotten.
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Post by anthony40 on Mar 29, 2023 13:36:09 GMT
Although I don't know you personally, I am (truly) sorry for your loss.
Welcome back!
To quote both Jason Robert Brown and Stephen Sondheim, you're "covered with scars you've done nothing to earn" and because you have no choice , you must "move on".
There are no rules on grieving- how long for but, as harsh as it seems, you have to move on, only with memories and although it may not seem it right now because the wound is still raw, every day that passes will, in it's own little way, get easier.
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4,993 posts
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Post by Someone in a tree on Mar 29, 2023 13:39:29 GMT
Hi Roxie,
Sorry to hear what has happened.
For me, with the death of my sister and more recently my partner, I can say it does get easier. Mindfulness, diary writing, exercise and therapy all help me.
I found a self help book with tasks in (I wish I could remember what it was called). I had to make a lot of lists and vist places (places of work, dating spots, hospital, crematoriums etc) and it worked wonders - I liked wading through and ticking sections off!
For me, I transitioned through various stages and I am in a happier and more contented place. I'm not sure if 'it' ever leaves you though, it changes and you grow around it.
Sorry all of the above is about my experiences but I don't really know what else to say apart from reaching out and say you are not alone
hugs xx
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Post by shady23 on Mar 29, 2023 14:57:52 GMT
So sorry for your loss.
I am not sure it gets any easier. You never forget. You just somehow learn to carry on as best you can as, clichéd as it is, that is what they would want you to do.
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Post by ThereWillBeSun on Mar 29, 2023 19:52:52 GMT
Hey Roxie; that is so sad and my condolences to you. It will take as long as it takes. It gets easier but you will never forget.
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Post by dontdreamit on Mar 29, 2023 20:14:24 GMT
So sorry for your loss. It does get easier eventually, but it’s a journey xxx
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Post by Jane Parfitt on Mar 29, 2023 20:21:45 GMT
Sorry for your loss Roxie, some really wise words of wisdom above and I hope you find a little comfort in them. I'm glad you've "reached out" to the forum (I hate that expression!) and please know that we're here if you want to chat or just escape into another world for a few hours x
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3,486 posts
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Post by ceebee on Mar 29, 2023 20:41:04 GMT
Welcome back Roxie - sounds like you've had a really tough couple of months. I'm sorry for the loss of your mum and hope you can get some comfort from the good people on this forum. Take one day at a time and allow the grief to work its way out; it does get easier in time. All the best, CB
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3,578 posts
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Post by Rory on Mar 29, 2023 20:44:03 GMT
Welcome back, Roxie. So sorry to hear about your dear mum.
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754 posts
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Post by Latecomer on Mar 29, 2023 21:41:06 GMT
So sorry for your loss Roxie. Your mum sounds like she has a special place in your heart. I lost my dad a couple of years ago and it is so hard isn’t it. I’m not sure it gets “better” but it does feel different two years on. I think you always miss special people and sometimes it still grabs you by the guts, but you do start to feel happier. I hope the practicalities get easier, dealing with family after a death can be horrible. I’d advise just trying to sort out only one thing at a time, being kind to yourself when you can, and maybe trying to carve out a tiny bit of space here and there just for yourself (like a theatre visit). I also found reading handy to take my mind off stuff and wordle (takes all sorts!).
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2,412 posts
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Post by theatreian on Mar 29, 2023 22:10:53 GMT
So sorry for your loss.Everyone grieves in different ways and goes through the process in their own way. I am sure at the moment it seems so raw and that there is so much to deal with. Try and take some time out for yourself and don't beat yourself up about your feelings.My partner lost his dad a while ago and dealing with the whole process with him made me realise what it will be like when it happens to me. Take care of yourself and remember you are not alone.
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Post by starlight92 on Mar 29, 2023 22:57:15 GMT
Oh Roxie, I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum in 2012 and it was the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I can't say it is something you can ever 'get over' because that's just not possible, but what I will say is that it does get a bit easier as time goes on. What I find helpful is to keep her memory alive in any way that I can, and remember the wonderful memories you had together. Sending you lots of virtual hugs and love, please be kind to yourself, and take each day as it comes
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336 posts
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Post by Roxie on Mar 30, 2023 10:59:49 GMT
Thanks everyone, I really do appreciate your words.
I'm finding it very hard because my Dad has very very early stage Alzhiemers so I'm now worried about what happens to him in the future. At the moment, he's OK, he can drive, he has capacity, it's just he forgets conversations we've just had or where he's put things. He's not very competent at housework just because he's never had to do it. My brother keeps telling me I'm Dad's carer now and I need to do this, this and this. He just comes round, throws his orders round, criticises me and then leaves without actually giving me any help.
I feel aggrieved cos Dad doesn't need a carer yet, the memory clinic have said he will go on as he is for years, and if and when he does, it's not me. I have to live my own life, and my Dad needs to be encouraged to be as independent as possible for as long as possible.
So yeah, things are really hard at the min. I'm trying to book some things to look forward to, maybe another London theatre trip.
Thanks everyone xx
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Post by crowblack on Mar 30, 2023 12:12:56 GMT
Roxie, I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you're going through a lot and I really hope your brother steps up and realises that he has to take responsibility too. I wish it was an issue that was discussed socially more. We've had several losses in the family and old friends recently and it takes time to sink in, and they will stay with you, where you imagine the conversations in your head or talk to them in dreams or think 'I'll call them' and realise they're not there. You may think, oh, this is what ghosts are, but in a benign way. Give yourself things to look forward to, even if it's just walks looking at the blossom right now.
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Post by alessia on Mar 30, 2023 12:33:37 GMT
I'm so very sorry for your loss, it must be terrible. Meditation was of great help to me when I was going through an abusive relationship. I know it's not for everyone and what you are going trough is also different to what I went through, but it really saved me when I had nobody to talk to and felt like there was no escape. It also helped when I lost my grandmothers in the last two years. I was very close to them and I still remember conversations we had, and sometimes I day dream of things one of them might have said or done in certain situations. I carve some time every day to meditate and it helps me to feel grounded and to accept changes, small or big, in life. I use an app called Calm. There are also targeted meditation programmes for grief and loss.
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Post by lynette on Mar 30, 2023 20:13:04 GMT
So sorry, Roxie, for your loss and this terrible time. Stand firm though, as your dad doesn’t want you to be his carer all the time, I’m sure. Get some social services stuff in place now and for the future.
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336 posts
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Post by Roxie on Apr 3, 2023 9:35:30 GMT
Hi, cos the universe thinks I’ve not been through enough lately, Saturday I ended up in A&E in intense pain and unable to pass urine and it turns out I have a massive endometrial cyst so I’m languishing in hospital worried it’s cancer (even though the surgeon said I ‘I doubt it’) and facing surgery and a recovery period, more time off work sick, wondering how I look after my dad, super scared and I just want my mum!
And of course, this happens the morning after I booked a train and theatre tickets to see 2.22 a ghost story on 15th April! Think I can write that off!
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Post by hulmeman on Apr 3, 2023 9:54:09 GMT
Roxie, I too am so sorry to read of your loss and your illness. Loss, as your other friends on here have said, gets easier, but never goes away. I am going to ask you to focus on yourself and get better, but also to use this time to address the situation with your brother. When you feel stronger, you must have a conversation with him. Even now as you are "out of action" ask him to step up and keep an eye on your dad. Of course that's easy for me to say but remember, you have your life too. Love and best wishes xx
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754 posts
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Post by Latecomer on Apr 3, 2023 11:30:32 GMT
Oh Roxie, so sorry for you! I hope the operation goes well. Will be thinking of you x
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Post by alessia on Apr 3, 2023 15:46:24 GMT
Hi, cos the universe thinks I’ve not been through enough lately, Saturday I ended up in A&E in intense pain and unable to pass urine and it turns out I have a massive endometrial cyst so I’m languishing in hospital worried it’s cancer (even though the surgeon said I ‘I doubt it’) and facing surgery and a recovery period, more time off work sick, wondering how I look after my dad, super scared and I just want my mum! And of course, this happens the morning after I booked a train and theatre tickets to see 2.22 a ghost story on 15th April! Think I can write that off! What rotten luck- I'm so very sorry :-(
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Post by theatreian on Apr 3, 2023 16:35:46 GMT
You are certainly going through it at the moment. First priority hope all goes well with you and your operation and that you recover quickly. It may force some one else to look after your dad but I'm sure it will get sorted. Try not to worry and just concentrate on getting well after your treatment. Take care of yourself.
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3,040 posts
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Post by crowblack on Apr 3, 2023 22:35:31 GMT
Roxie, I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you get better soon and as others have said here, I hope this prompts other family members to step up and help you with everything you have going on right now.
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2,340 posts
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Post by theglenbucklaird on Apr 4, 2023 7:40:56 GMT
Oh Roxie, so sorry for your luck and what has happened after the last few months. A lot happening in your life right now, if it does help please do keep talking to your theatre friends on the board.
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Post by dontdreamit on Apr 7, 2023 16:15:14 GMT
Hi Roxie, I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing? The long bank holiday weekends can be tough sometimes x
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Post by sfsusan on Apr 7, 2023 18:09:01 GMT
Does it ever get easier? Will I ever stop missing her every second of every day? I'm not sure about 'easier' but the loss does get more distant. I dream about my mom and dad frequently (I lost them within 3 months of each other, about 15 years ago) and when I do dream I wake up feeling comforted by spending time with them again. Although when I can't sleep, I end up apologizing to them in absentia for taking them for granted, for stupid things I said, for underestimating them... I found a self help book with tasks in (I wish I could remember what it was called). I had to make a lot of lists and vist places (places of work, dating spots, hospital, crematoriums etc) and it worked wonders - I liked wading through and ticking sections off! This might be Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It's very targeted and very practical; this might be one specifically on grieving and loss.
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