You know its a bad performance when...

Isn't the scenery great?

I suppose for me it'd be along similar lines, with my thoughts wandering on to various other things.

Speaking of thoughts wandering, yes there are nice stalls there but all I'm thinking of now is an occasion over by the steps leading up to the next SBC level, towards the QEH. A girl chatting to 2 friends didn't notice she dropped a £5. I handed it back to her, and SHE TOOK IT WITHOUT EVEN LOOKING AT ME AND CONTINUED HER CONVERSATION WITHOUT PAUSING.

So I killed her. Consequently I'm on the run and can probably never go home. I swear, they'll never get me! (All the same, don't mention this to anyone).

Ahah. Yes. One particularly bad show in the round (square) I found myself counting people asleep and watching them as they'd stir and wake etc.

Is it wrong that I do that regardless?

Perhaps if they kept themselves occupied clearing away ice cream tubs, etc.

“Do you think their legs are aching yet”

This might be a specific one to last night’s show.

Generally “what am I eating when I get out of here” is a good one.

Oh, further to counting floorboards, I will often try to work out where the exact centre of the stage is, if the floor is boards or tiles or panels or something else that can be counted like that.

Easily done for most musical stages now as they have markers along the front starting in the middle at 0 and working out in 2's. This is for blocking, placement and choreography so actors/dancers end up in the right spot every night.
Fun game is to track peoples movement against the numbers along the front,

"I wonder if the Big Asda will still be open by the time I get out."
"What do I need from the Big Asda. I guess I could always use some new kitchen equipment."
"I wonder how much I can fit in my backpack. I don't want a 5p plastic bag."


Debating what treat to buy from the NT Kitchen in the interval.
Realising the Kitchen will be shut by then.
Silently cursing self.
Plotting out the location of all brownie-purveyors within half a mile of the National.
Worrying whether the Clapham Junction branch of Lidl will still have a decent selection of baked goods left.
Trying to figure out if my coat is big enough to smuggle a tea back into the auditorium.

Figuring out which episode of Midsomer Murders that random supporting actor was in. Was it the iconic wheel of cheese of death episode?

"I reckon he will be good as the lead (the understudy for the lead)"

In my very early days of going to shows. Mostly plays at the time. I saw someone who is very well known esp to a certian fanbase. He was lead in a Shakespeare play. The play was fine. His performance wasn't good to me. I got my programme at the interval and found who the understudy was. Then spent the best part of the lead performance watchig the understudy and thinking I bet he woukd be good. I was very lucky the actor got 4 shows when the lead was ill. And I dashed to the theatre for a ticket.

"Counting bits of scenery"

Another Shakespeare play this time the whole set up was awful and questionable acting from some of the cast (although not the lead). Lucky I only bought one ticket but I got to a point where I counted panels and bits of the scenery. I go to that default state of counting things when I get bored.

When before the show you were a fan of an actor and were excited to see them at the stage door afterwards.

When you see the show you decide not to go to stage door after all as you are not sure you will be able to lie convincing to them that you enjoyed their performance and the show.

When you think “is it really that much of a drop from the balcony?”

During my viewing of “The Prisoner” at the NT, all I had going through my head was the Queen song “I want to break free” for the entire show.

On a day trip from Birmingham to London thinking ‘I am sure that I locked the front door and put the burglar alarm on before I left... but I had best pop back just in case’...this actually happened in 2012 at the Vaudeville during the excruciating Uncle Vanya,but in a shameful show of cowardice I was afraid of leaving early in case Ken Stott stopped the show,pointed me out and embarrassed me publicly for my negativity and then confiscated my mobile phone as a lesson to others.

I often pass the time by composing an email message in my head to a friend who is not at the performance, describing in detail how awful it is. By the end of the performance, the message has usually gone through several drafts, until I have arrived at exactly what I want to say, so that when I get home I can just sit down at my computer and dash it off.